Are You There, Chelsea? It’s Me, Wine-O.

chelseaI love Chelsea Handler and I don’t care who knows it. What does this have to do with wine and spirits? Chill out, I’m getting there…

One night, I was watching one of my favorite shows, “Chelsea Lately” and Chelsea was belvedere-vodka_0(once again) promoting her beloved Belvedere vodka. I also enjoy Belvedere and so I respect its promotion. I continue nodding along to her skit with enthusiasm, grinning at each snarky remark and sarcastic facial expression that she makes. Until she utters the words, “I hate wine.” I was momentarily distraught. How could my future BFF and drinking buddy hate my favorite beverage?

I was ready to tweet her a melancholy goodbye and #hashtag the entire internet and my 16 followers about our imaginary breakup when I took what I refer to as the magical sip;  that drink of wine (for me this comes at about mid-bottle) that makes a person more philosophical, intelligent and offers a sort of “moment of clarity.” At that instant, while clutching my wine glass and watching the ironically less-than cerebral E! Network, I had an epiphany: A top-shelf vodka drinker and a fine wine drinker can still be friends and for the following reasons…

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A photo of a Polish vodka still taken from my WSET Advanced text book.

1.  A friendship is based on mutual respect. For one thing, I respect that Chelsea drinks in general; Prohibition revivalists need to get with the program. And like I said, I can respect Belvedere. This Polish vodka is “distilled four times”, so it’s low in “congeners or bad stuff and it incorporates the fancy grain known as Rye, which gives vodka rounder texture and softer nuances. Mmm!

2.  Fine Wine is of high standards as well. Nothing is mass-produced or has disgusting additives like tannin powder, food coloring or sugars. Everything is in small production, the berries are picked by hand, double, even triple sorted and are carefully vinified and aged. Therefore, it’s delicious!

3.  No one likes a hangover. Maybe Chelsea Handler doesn’t give two shits about how Belvedere is made or why it is so good, but there is no question that she (and everyone) can appreciate drinking it without the risk of a headache. And I will be honest: I wouldn’t drink cheap wine even if it was palatable because I fear its wrath. No congeners and no additives equals no headaches.

4.  Who doesn’t want to be a hot blonde? I don’t. But that’s because giving up vices and pleasures in life to be svelte is a choice. I prefer to remain slightly chubby in order to maintain a lifestyle that includes a broad range of beverages – and bread. Plus, my doppelganger is Brooke Shields, so becoming blonde isn’t an option with these eyebrows…

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Me. Note the eyebrows. Blonde is not my destiny.

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Chelsea.

Chelsea, however, rocks a hot bombshell by sticking to unadulterated vodka. Vodka has the least carbohydrates and calories, so this allows her to take in the joys that come with insobriety while maintaining her great shape. I totally applaud this and I plan to, one day, actually diet and stick to vodka. Or at least get my carbs solely from wine…

5.  One common bond: Alcohol. Whether pairing your wine with a steak or pairing your vodka with a squeeze of lemon, none of us would be at all obsessed with our liquid love affairs if they didn’t contain alcohol. If you are offended by this statement because you think alcohol is bad, stop reading my blog, you prude. This isn’t “I Drink Tea For A Living.”

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One of my favorite wines from Bodegas Carmelo Rodero.

6.  Opposites attract. Just like with my other girlfriends and the biggest girlfriend of them all – my husband – the people in my life that I hold dearest are my complete opposites; that is, with the exception of our values, ambitions and mutual respect for one another. If we value drinking well, living life to its fullest, being yourself and above all – not settling, then a top-shelf vodka drinker and a fine wine drinker aren’t so different when it comes right down to it.

7.  In closing: are you there, Chelsea? Call me.

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2 thoughts on “Are You There, Chelsea? It’s Me, Wine-O.

  1. Hmmm. Drinking vodka is not drinking, it’s getting hammered. Now, I like getting hammered too. But despite the fact that it’s Belvedere or Hendricks, etc., I think that you’re letting her off the hook. Chelsea needs to ratchet back and the best camo for that is wine. Wine appears to be civilized even if you’re pounding it. At least Im hoping it’s working. Chelsea, “Drink wine!” You won’t look as pathetic.
    Now pass me my second bottle of ‘cab’.

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